Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
jesus, what did this guy do
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”