Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

“We will wed,” I threatened

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us