Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

*files a restraining order against reality*

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.