Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
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Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Put the is in disheveled
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells