Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I thought this was funny lol
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Dietest Coke
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Wise advice
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.