Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok