Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?