Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.