Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.