Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
58.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get