Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.