Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

🐠

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

Home #decor warning.

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby