Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it