Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

sometimes i miss this memes

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself