GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
You Might Also Like
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My whole life was a lie.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015