GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
You Might Also Like
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .