Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

😂🐾

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*