Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

I have a place for everything. The floor.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.