Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

We cut our bangs at dawn.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”