Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

A new level of troll.

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

rich people when they have to pay taxes

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.