Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do you want

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Ken is short for chicken

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart