Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!