Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

my dog when i have a friend over

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.