Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
You Might Also Like
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
my dog when i have a friend over
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.