Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

Risking my life for fun.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.