Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms