Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
You Might Also Like
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.