Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

It be like that sometimes 😆

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

🤣