Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
She knows her part so well!
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
no regrets
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”