Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

We don’t deserve birds.

Here to help

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

spot the difference

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”