Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?