Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

Why are bridges so flammable.