Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
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If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Eating for two.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…