ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
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Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!