Gas station lines at 2 am:
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Seems legit
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
The first one, obviously
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.