Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you