Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her