Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap