[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”