[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
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My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Ugh
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.