Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Cats (2019)
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]