gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…