Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.