Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
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Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
this post was so formative to me
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
he’s doing your taxes
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.