Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder