Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
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what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.