Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

Happy Friday

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard