Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

‘Black tie only’ was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people had worn shirts and pants, too.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”