Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
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Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Are these grass-fed oranges?