Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
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I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My work here is don’t.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?