Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER