Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
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stand with me against insufficient seating
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.