Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
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i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Mmmm canned fish.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.