Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*