Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Succinctly put.