@YourMomsucksTho

Gather close, children, as i tell a horrific tale of using a separate contraption from your phone called a camera, taking the roll of film out, driving to a photo lab, putting it in an envelope, dropping it in a bin, and then waiting 7-10 days to see pictures unless they lost it.

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@nottheworstmom

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

@doktorj

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

@AlisonAgosti

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

@McGrumpenstein

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

@sixfootcandy

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

@WheelTod

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

@TylerLinkin

I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.

@aksorojas

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.