Saint West, the patron of selfies
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Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Brother?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.