Gather close, children, as i tell a horrific tale of using a separate contraption from your phone called a camera, taking the roll of film out, driving to a photo lab, putting it in an envelope, dropping it in a bin, and then waiting 7-10 days to see pictures unless they lost it.

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My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.


Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”


When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down


“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.


When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?


Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.


I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.


I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.