Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

My wife gives the best headache.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Fries, not lies.

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..