Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.