Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
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HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys