Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.