Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”