Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?