Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden