Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

They got Raph!

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]