Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
welcome back
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.