<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
If you know, you know
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
roses are red
i fall when i skate
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”