<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.