Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area