Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.