Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Ok but actually
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.