Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

This fish is cracking me up

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.