gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
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getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
