Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

barbara was highly relatable

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Breaking news:

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.