Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
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I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?