Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…