Gave my address to a man on Facebook who said he sells & delivers eggs for $4 a dozen if I get murderrred please put this detail in my obituary
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At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
sliding into dms like
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”