*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
You Might Also Like
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
happy mother’s day❤️
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.