Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.