*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?