*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.