Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos