Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
You Might Also Like
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
