Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

Bill is short for Billiam

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.